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The Strange Strategy of God

My Journey- Part V

by Susan Eapen, Bangalore

I came home in a rage and dialed the father who had taken confession on the previous day. I told him about my brother and quoted what the father had said. I asked him why the Father had said so. He said, nothing is impossible if we have "Vishwasam and Vishudhi" I asked him "When Lazurus was called back from the dead, was it too late? Who had the Viswasam, neither Martha nor Mary believed it possible as is evident from the verses and Lazarus was dead."

He was silent. Then he said God has asked me to come and see your brother. I felt an immense release. Now it was all in the hands of God.

I told my mother about it and the achen asking me to fast. She told me not to do anything foolish and to take care of my health first. Suddenly without volition, I said "So far, I have tried to live without God. Now I have decided and I can only go forward."

Next I wanted my family also to come for confession and qurbana. My sons were too young to have any opinion but my husband, who agreed first, withdrew at the last moment. He said, "You go if you want, I will not come." I told him that without him, I would not go any further. I told him, I gave 20 years of my life to you exclusively. I always belonged to God, if I give up now, it is my death." I was weeping. (All of us belong to God as a matter of fact.) He was upset by my tears and they came. But even now, he does not really feel the way I do because, I think, he is too much taken up by the externals as I was - the fights and corruption he sees in church puts him off as he equates the worship with the men who participate/lead.)

Next day, I was really anxious. I started with prabhaatha praarthana from the nombu book, doing the prostration at the prayer corner of my room where I kept a candle and a picture of Jesus which was my companion and friend since college. (The first Monday of the Great Lent-2001) I wondered if I could fast as I get severe headaches when I do not eat in time (Sugar drop). However, I started the day without the morning tea and breakfast and was sweeping the dining room. My mind was in turmoil, thinking and worrying as a thousand voices clamored inside.

Suddenly I realized that there was another voice - somewhere deep within, behind all the clamor. It was speaking without speech, it was not loud, but it was insistent until it caught my attention. It was like the drip of water from leaves into the still lake and it reminded me

"Viswasamaam padakil yaathra cheyyumpol,
Thandu valichu nee valanjidumpol
Bhayappedenda, Karthan Koodeyundu
Aduppikkum Swargeeya Thuramughathu"

This song is familiar to all, but it was never sung by me as I found it rather too thick, I loved the English Hymns but this one I rather scorned. I was amazed and I was strengthened. I told of this to my mother, who said that she had heard people say that they too have heard such a voice. Perhaps it is the voice of our true self, which is buried beneath all the debris.

In the meantime, my husband was promoted and transferred. My elder son got a job and went to Chennai. I was left alone with my younger son in a huge house. I had space and time to pray and I did. The father explained the Holy Qurbana to me and I visualized the events and participated in the worship with great zeal. Every Dhoopa Praarthana Song I sang from my heart. Music has a great influence on me. I started to see the great beauty and the completeness of our prayers.

I wish some one would translate some of them (Rahasya Praarthanakal, Sandhrabhochitha Praarthanakal etc) into English.

Source: ICON

My Journey by Susan Eapen: Next | Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

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